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In a little bit over a month I will be a high school graduate. In exactly 2 months I’ll be 18 years old. Lately I”ve been feeling like I really don’t have all my shit together. I’ve felt overwhelmed. Worried about whether or not I’ll succeed. Failure is my biggest fear. Neither of my parents or any of my siblings have gone all the way and finished a college degree. So I’ll the first one in my immediate family. So thats scary because I don’t want to fail. I also don’t want to go into debt so badly that I dig myself into a hole that I can’t get out of because that’s somehow worse.
I’ve been nervous about going away with Aaron because I don’t know what I would do if we don’t work out. And before anyone even thinks it, I know we’re still young. But I love the kid. Extremely so. I can honestly see myself living with him and all that jazz. And since I’m being honest, I probably wouldn’t be doing the summer session at UNF if it wasn’t for him. But I don’t know if I would have pushed myself so hard to get out of this town if it wasn’t for him either. I’d probably be BCC-ing it up next year still living at home. I know it’s time to get my ass out into the world. Spread my wings and fly, birdie, fly. It scares the leaving shit out of me.
But I also know that I have the best friends I could ask for. During a 15 minute conversation Deanna not  only reminded me of stupid shit we used to do that if there truly is a hell we’ll probably be there for, but made me feel incredibly good about myself. She told me how she told her dad, who is like my second dad, about me getting into college. She told how he said he was so proud of me. Then she said the thing that brought a fucking tear to my eye. She said out of all us it should be you that succeeds. The one of us who gets out of the fucking whole in the wall and makes something out of herself. Jesus, just thinking about what she said is making me cry big, happy tears.
Since I’m still being honest, yea I really think I do deserve this. I want Tess and Deanna to get their stuff together, but they choose the paths they want to take. Deanna works her fucking ass off and is perfectly content. Tess is just starting to get completely independent. Oh, she’s works her ass off, but she just got rid of the main thing thats been holding her back. Not gonna talk about him though because I don’t want this to turn into a pissed off blog. She’s on her way though.
I’m just starting to feel as if I’m on my way. I just need to get some things done to make that road a tad bit easier so I can enjoy it so much more.
I think thats the most important thing about  everything thats going to change. If I can enjoy most of it, find pleasure between the scary parts, that I will make it. Every persons standard for success is different. I just need to find mine.

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